5 weeks.

Just under 5 weeks out from my first NPC bikini show. The contest diet is tightening up EVEN more (aka certain calories are getting dropped in a week). While my prep has been full of veggies and protein, and a pretty significant carb count, the monotony and strict nature of my diet has started to take its toll. I catch myself likening peas and zucchini to starchy carbs, might as well eat a banana, or piece of cake, right?
NO. The contest prep mindset is tough. I've become so wrapped up in my precise macro plans and limited food selection, that I've convinced myself that nearly everything outside of my PLAN is off-limits and will derail me from the stage. Long gone are days where the presence of fresh blueberries in the fridge means they end up in my oats, just because I want some. Now, if I open the fridge, my eyes go STRAIGHT to my carton of eggwhites or measured-out chicken breast. Blueberries are SUGAR, and obviously they will ruin my progress for the stage. THIS IS HOW MY BRAIN WORKS LATELY...and I'm going to have some major things to deal with once I step off the stage. I want to teach myself how to readjust to eating, and realizing that I CAN do what i ADVISE others to do. Natural, whole foods, can only do so much damage. Zucchini, indeed-is a vegetable, not an evil carb. These are things I will deal with AFTER my competition. At least I know my thinking is messed up and flawed.
Another really hard part of preparing for a competition is trying to visually monitor your progress, without SCRUTINIZING every single inch of your body. It's nearly impossible. I have never been this small or lean, yet I still find myself criticizing areas that are still holding fat, and blaming myself for not working as hard as I could be. What a bunch of bullshit! I've worked myself SO hard during this prep that I've overworked my body a number of times, and had a couple of emotional and physical breakdowns. I work out like a MONSTER, and am not one to smile for 2 hours on the elliptical. So, even though I typically work out once a day, the intensity of my workouts is HUGE, and more than enough to spur the fat loss I need. 
Preparing to step on stage is NOT easy, and I knew this beforehand. While it might seem easier for some people, I can guarantee you that EVERY competitor knows what it feels like to work his/her own ass off and risk the possibility of still not being GOOD enough. I am not looking to be good enough for anyone other than myself, but I need to regain my self-confidence and security in order to feel proud of what I've accomplished. I find myself staring at my current physique in the mirror, and along with picking apart every flaw, I think about how "fat" I must have looked before I started my contest diet. WHAT?! That was less than 2 months ago, and people complimented my physique and were amazed by my transformation at that point. I was proud of myself THEN, and now I feel like I can't compare to other NPC bikini competitors. I do WAY too much comparing, and need to just focus on my own strengths.
I need to blog more. It makes me so much happier to write and release my thoughts. Lately, I haven't even had time to check twitter, let alone write blog posts. I can't go to school full time this semester, along with competing and working. It's too much stress. Succeeding in my competitions is my NUMBER ONE priority right now, well...next to regaining mental strength and emotional stability. I need to make sure that I step on stage the most confident and radiant I can possibly be. That is going to require some intensive work on my end, but I'm prepared to keep it up and do some hard work to get what I want.
I am making a vow to calm down, release the harsh judgement I place on myself, and continue on my journey to leaning out and stepping on the NPC bikini stage on October 13th.
Love, 
Liz